I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Everclear isn't food dammit
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
