Betty ford says i'm here all night
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
