I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
