i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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