Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
two words: eviction party
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
