My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
