i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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