I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
