HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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