Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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