You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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