I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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