you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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