if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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