Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
