Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize