Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
