My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
