remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
