"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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