i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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