I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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