Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
