i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize