It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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