my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
