Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
