the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize