Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize