I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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