my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
