Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
