Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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