you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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