He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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