allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
