there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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