You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
two words: eviction party
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
