a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
