At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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