wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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