ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
