you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
