if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
we're making bets on your personal life
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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