Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
