I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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