I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
