dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
