I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Don't make out with my wife yet
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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