I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
