My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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