things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
