You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
