ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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